Post by DancesWithWerewolves on Oct 26, 2004 0:20:18 GMT -5
(moved because on the Horror IMDB boards I'm starting a somewhat weekly rant, and this may be a more suitable spot for them here)
This rant is not to be taken too seriously, and is just humorous food for thought. If you are offended, please realise this is just a joke in poor taste.
Christian: Someone who believes that not only is Jesus Christ their savior, but practices tolerance and acceptance amongst their peers, and only teaches their religion to those open to it.
Born-Again Christian: A self-proclaimed Christian that thinks it’s their god-give right to ruin everyone’s lives by thrusting judgment upon them. They are usually those who use to be “bad” but later found Jesus and totally misinterpret what he says.
Jason Voorhees was a boy who was horribly deformed, and by most past societies, this was an evil thing. It wasn’t his fault, but since he wasn’t born in God’s image of man, this will plague him. In past societies, they would’ve killed him at birth. I can’t back up which religions did this, but I’m aware it was done. Our good’ol boy, Jason, was living in a society where his deformity, while not being offed at birth, was being ridiculed and teased. Let alone that he is a bastard son of Pamela Voorhees with a father who decided to disappear and spread his own seed. Baptism occurs today where you are dipped in a body of water when your church group witness you accept Jesus Christ as your savior, thus making you a Christian, or something like that. Could Jason have accepted Jesus as his savior while drowning? I reckon so. In Jason’s simple mind, Jesus saved his life by giving him a gift of immortality, and Jason wants to return the favor by condemning the sinners. Like typical Born-Again Christians, he becomes an evangelist that will smite those who aren’t good Christians. But since Jason can barely communicate, he’ll have to use every tool he’s got…literally.
First things first, Jason’s a prude; can’t stand it when someone flaunts their sexuality in either a blunt or vague way. If it can give him a boner, its porn, and porn is bad. Even God thinks he gets out of hand at times and believes he needs to tone it down, open his eyes a little more and take a look at the beautiful world rather than be so preoccupied with punishing others for their sins. But is he a prude because sex is a sin, or did he become a prude because he’s so ugly no girl (or guy?) would have him? Could very well be a combo of both, because no matter how ugly you are, for the right price hookers will do anything. And if Jason believed in stealing, he’d steal the money for the hooker. But he’s a believer in the good in Jesus (and only Jesus) so there will be no boobs spared. He sees all these pretty people having sex, getting naked, skinny dipping, and while he’s most likely jealous, he takes it out on them by driving a nice garden tool somewhere in their body.
Notice the need to cover himself. Is it coincidence that he’s just ugly? Everyone knows it’s Jason so it’s not like a secret identity. The pillow case (yes, pillow case, not burlap sack, pay attention to the dialogue in pt. 2 pseudo fans. This is just like pop culture thinking Judith Myers was 17 when Michael first killed her in Halloween, but if you look at her headstone, it clearly shows she was 15.) and the hockey masks are to hide his face, of course, but did anyone give thought about them being white? Could Jason be secretly a racist (again, like most born-again Christians)? Could the pillow case He seems to have no problem killing an African American, even if they’re not having sex or abusing substances. Julius was seemingly a perfectly fine young athlete, but since he was black, Jason seemed to be more determined to hunt him down the second he saw him. Guilty by association? Some of his other buddies didn’t seem to engage in such sinful activities either. Shame on you Jason. Shame shame shame.
Does Jason think low of woman, thinking they should obey everything a man says? Look at how many girls that didn’t obey their boyfriends when they told them “I’ll be right back.” Staying put goes without saying. Robin from pt. 7 does this, disobeying her pot-headed guy (not really a boyfriend as she only slept with him). Cork’s girlfriend in pt. 6 didn’t want him to drive the RV. He does it anyway, but she’s so mouthy about it. That Hispanic girl in pt. 3 offends the fat kid. Add to the fact that she’s Hispanic, and Jason will assume that she’s Catholic, that makes 2 strikes against her because most born-again Christians think Catholics are of the devil. Doesn’t matter if she’s not, she’s Hispanic and he made up his mind. That grouchy woman in the beginning of pt. 3 underminds that it’s her husband that runs the shop and he can think for himself. What about both twins turning down Teddy in pt. 4? What right do they have turning him down? He should be able to point his finger and order because he’s a man. This of course is just what Jason’s thinking.
Of course, Jason takes things too far. Sure, he nails those who play around with sex and addictive substance abuse that contaminates the holy temple that is your body (that’s the most obvious victim), but he’s been known to slay those who have done no wrong. Tina’s mom in “Friday the 13th pt 7” for example is someone who merely got in the way. The psychiatrist may have tried to use her as a shield, but Jason still took aim and stabbed away. To him, this was guilty by association. What did the nice girl in pt 6 do that was so bad? So bad to have the cabin walls completely repainted with her blood? Well, she was friends with the horny toad known as Cork. An acquaintance with Tommy, who we all know as “the sinner who kept getting away.” Why do some of these people, all sinners in his eyes, get away? Is it that they are good Christians? Please. Ginny and Paul were lovers in pt. 2, and weren’t married, and Paul is even suspected to like it when she’s on the rag. Clearly there’s lust involved. Dana Kimmell’s character, in pt. 3, was someone who kept defying her parents. She was a rebellious teenager. By the time the 3rd film takes place, he was realizing what she had done was wrong. Jason of course doesn’t care. He’s judge, jury, and executioner in the name of the lord. Tommy Jarvis enjoyed a little bit of peeping, as well as enjoying making monster masks, therefore was enchanted by the dark side. Anything in pt 5 doesn’t count as Jason doesn’t appear in it except for Tommy’s imagination. In 7, Tina was having some telepathic powers, and in Jason’s opinion…she was a witch! Kevin Blair’s character was too stupid in general to do anything bad, but he was guilty by association so he was a target. Rene in pt 8? Try wearing tight jeans. The boy she was with? Didn’t care about bonding with his dad. Then you have the geek and Jason’s niece (?) in “Jason Goes To Hell.” They had an illegitimate child together.
So how do they get away? I call it divine intervention. God sees what Jason is doing, and he purposely has Jason trip, fall, sedated, burn, and what not to help some of these people who are really good people deep down inside. Eventually, God (after noticing that Jason was not changing his ways) god sends Jason to hell. He doesn’t want to do it because Jason means well, but he’s taking harsher actions now since the first time he sent his own son to show God’s true will didn’t seem to work like he hoped. Again though, God’s plan didn’t seem to work so well since Jason’s hellmate (get it? “hellmate”? “cellmate”? Huh? Ah, forget it) Freddy Kruger decides to manipulate and reprogram Jason, bringing him back to the land of the living.
Jason may think he’s a Christian, but in reality he just thinks he is and exploits it to further his beliefs. Sounds like a BA Christian to me.
Thank you for reading this incoherent thought process.
This rant is not to be taken too seriously, and is just humorous food for thought. If you are offended, please realise this is just a joke in poor taste.
Christian: Someone who believes that not only is Jesus Christ their savior, but practices tolerance and acceptance amongst their peers, and only teaches their religion to those open to it.
Born-Again Christian: A self-proclaimed Christian that thinks it’s their god-give right to ruin everyone’s lives by thrusting judgment upon them. They are usually those who use to be “bad” but later found Jesus and totally misinterpret what he says.
Jason Voorhees was a boy who was horribly deformed, and by most past societies, this was an evil thing. It wasn’t his fault, but since he wasn’t born in God’s image of man, this will plague him. In past societies, they would’ve killed him at birth. I can’t back up which religions did this, but I’m aware it was done. Our good’ol boy, Jason, was living in a society where his deformity, while not being offed at birth, was being ridiculed and teased. Let alone that he is a bastard son of Pamela Voorhees with a father who decided to disappear and spread his own seed. Baptism occurs today where you are dipped in a body of water when your church group witness you accept Jesus Christ as your savior, thus making you a Christian, or something like that. Could Jason have accepted Jesus as his savior while drowning? I reckon so. In Jason’s simple mind, Jesus saved his life by giving him a gift of immortality, and Jason wants to return the favor by condemning the sinners. Like typical Born-Again Christians, he becomes an evangelist that will smite those who aren’t good Christians. But since Jason can barely communicate, he’ll have to use every tool he’s got…literally.
First things first, Jason’s a prude; can’t stand it when someone flaunts their sexuality in either a blunt or vague way. If it can give him a boner, its porn, and porn is bad. Even God thinks he gets out of hand at times and believes he needs to tone it down, open his eyes a little more and take a look at the beautiful world rather than be so preoccupied with punishing others for their sins. But is he a prude because sex is a sin, or did he become a prude because he’s so ugly no girl (or guy?) would have him? Could very well be a combo of both, because no matter how ugly you are, for the right price hookers will do anything. And if Jason believed in stealing, he’d steal the money for the hooker. But he’s a believer in the good in Jesus (and only Jesus) so there will be no boobs spared. He sees all these pretty people having sex, getting naked, skinny dipping, and while he’s most likely jealous, he takes it out on them by driving a nice garden tool somewhere in their body.
Notice the need to cover himself. Is it coincidence that he’s just ugly? Everyone knows it’s Jason so it’s not like a secret identity. The pillow case (yes, pillow case, not burlap sack, pay attention to the dialogue in pt. 2 pseudo fans. This is just like pop culture thinking Judith Myers was 17 when Michael first killed her in Halloween, but if you look at her headstone, it clearly shows she was 15.) and the hockey masks are to hide his face, of course, but did anyone give thought about them being white? Could Jason be secretly a racist (again, like most born-again Christians)? Could the pillow case He seems to have no problem killing an African American, even if they’re not having sex or abusing substances. Julius was seemingly a perfectly fine young athlete, but since he was black, Jason seemed to be more determined to hunt him down the second he saw him. Guilty by association? Some of his other buddies didn’t seem to engage in such sinful activities either. Shame on you Jason. Shame shame shame.
Does Jason think low of woman, thinking they should obey everything a man says? Look at how many girls that didn’t obey their boyfriends when they told them “I’ll be right back.” Staying put goes without saying. Robin from pt. 7 does this, disobeying her pot-headed guy (not really a boyfriend as she only slept with him). Cork’s girlfriend in pt. 6 didn’t want him to drive the RV. He does it anyway, but she’s so mouthy about it. That Hispanic girl in pt. 3 offends the fat kid. Add to the fact that she’s Hispanic, and Jason will assume that she’s Catholic, that makes 2 strikes against her because most born-again Christians think Catholics are of the devil. Doesn’t matter if she’s not, she’s Hispanic and he made up his mind. That grouchy woman in the beginning of pt. 3 underminds that it’s her husband that runs the shop and he can think for himself. What about both twins turning down Teddy in pt. 4? What right do they have turning him down? He should be able to point his finger and order because he’s a man. This of course is just what Jason’s thinking.
Of course, Jason takes things too far. Sure, he nails those who play around with sex and addictive substance abuse that contaminates the holy temple that is your body (that’s the most obvious victim), but he’s been known to slay those who have done no wrong. Tina’s mom in “Friday the 13th pt 7” for example is someone who merely got in the way. The psychiatrist may have tried to use her as a shield, but Jason still took aim and stabbed away. To him, this was guilty by association. What did the nice girl in pt 6 do that was so bad? So bad to have the cabin walls completely repainted with her blood? Well, she was friends with the horny toad known as Cork. An acquaintance with Tommy, who we all know as “the sinner who kept getting away.” Why do some of these people, all sinners in his eyes, get away? Is it that they are good Christians? Please. Ginny and Paul were lovers in pt. 2, and weren’t married, and Paul is even suspected to like it when she’s on the rag. Clearly there’s lust involved. Dana Kimmell’s character, in pt. 3, was someone who kept defying her parents. She was a rebellious teenager. By the time the 3rd film takes place, he was realizing what she had done was wrong. Jason of course doesn’t care. He’s judge, jury, and executioner in the name of the lord. Tommy Jarvis enjoyed a little bit of peeping, as well as enjoying making monster masks, therefore was enchanted by the dark side. Anything in pt 5 doesn’t count as Jason doesn’t appear in it except for Tommy’s imagination. In 7, Tina was having some telepathic powers, and in Jason’s opinion…she was a witch! Kevin Blair’s character was too stupid in general to do anything bad, but he was guilty by association so he was a target. Rene in pt 8? Try wearing tight jeans. The boy she was with? Didn’t care about bonding with his dad. Then you have the geek and Jason’s niece (?) in “Jason Goes To Hell.” They had an illegitimate child together.
So how do they get away? I call it divine intervention. God sees what Jason is doing, and he purposely has Jason trip, fall, sedated, burn, and what not to help some of these people who are really good people deep down inside. Eventually, God (after noticing that Jason was not changing his ways) god sends Jason to hell. He doesn’t want to do it because Jason means well, but he’s taking harsher actions now since the first time he sent his own son to show God’s true will didn’t seem to work like he hoped. Again though, God’s plan didn’t seem to work so well since Jason’s hellmate (get it? “hellmate”? “cellmate”? Huh? Ah, forget it) Freddy Kruger decides to manipulate and reprogram Jason, bringing him back to the land of the living.
Jason may think he’s a Christian, but in reality he just thinks he is and exploits it to further his beliefs. Sounds like a BA Christian to me.
Thank you for reading this incoherent thought process.
